Following intentions

After smoking more weed, I have realized more things regarding my reality:

1. We are on a virtual timeline until death.

2. There are many possibilities for what kind of life you experience, but the one you are experiencing now in your sober reality is the only one we can experience.  It is limited, but that is the only way we can experience it.  If we were to experience THE ONE EXPERIENCE that most people with hallucinogens do, then we experience everything and all for all time, which is quite overwhelming.

3. Wanting more out of life (seeing more positive possibilities) is closer to becoming the ONE experience, which after awhile you see isn't desirable because you have no choice.  Our sober reality is an illusion in that it appears that we have choice, because we experience all of the events in our lifetime.  The more you desire to expand through hallucinogens and then experience THE ONE EXPERIENCE, the more you realize that your life can be desirable.  



4. Following my intentions, or at least observing or keeping track of them, is important.  Because all events in life are mere reflections or immediate reactions of intentions.  Here are some of the intentions that I have seen inside myself so far in the past couple days...

to just feel good
to want to have sex->to avoid sad, empty feelings inside->related to not following my intention in the morning to get up and get shit done->to avoid getting shit done->to avoid the feeling of boredness, or frustration                       .......that is how far I have gotten.  I have not discovered any feelings beyond frustration or boredom yet.  I have so many opportunities to feel it - yay *shoot in the head*

there is a positive, that the morning after dustin and I had a larger discussion on these things, I woke up and had an intention to get something done, and I thought "is it this easy?"  and I got up and followed it.  But I didn't keep following the things that I had to get done.

I guess I have to keep following it and see what happens. I get the thought in my head.. I have a lot more boredom and frustration to feel before anything will ever get better.  Do I follow each and every one of the

5. I realized that because of my mom, I am so lost in a fog, and I am constantly trying to figure out what I am supposed to pay attention to.  My emotions?  My body?  Either of those things can be superficial and misleading to say the least.  ..My thoughts?  Talk about a clusterfuck.  Thoughts are also misleading because they go hand in hand with emotions and they build off of each other.  .. Should I follow my purpose?  Well, hell if I know what my purpose is?   ... Talking and listening to Dustin has helped me see that intentions are really only the steady, reliable, transparent thing that we can recognize about ourselves.  So lately, I have been trying to pay more attention to my intentions.  When Dustin asks me, "what do you want to do with your life?"  I cannot answer, but I know that it's the most alive I feel when he asks me about my intentions.

I am afraid that my intentions with Dustin are less than optimal.  I feel like I tried to love and honor who he is.. but a greater intention beyond all of my choices is that of trying to escape the pain of not knowing my mother, not loving her, and not feeling like she will ever know me.

I feel like this pain is one big cloud over my head and I know I need to fix it.  I need to be clear about my intentions with my mom.

I am afraid that I am not trying hard enough, and that is probably the truth.

I know that I am not taking responsibility for my life, and that includes making a living for myself and Dustin.

Taking responsibility also means that each and every thing that goes through my head where I think "Huh, I should do that"  I should be pursuing it.  I have to keep pushing past.  I start to feel said, angry, frustrated that I should have to work so hard, or work at all.  the problem that happens with this is that

I think that sometimes I make the same mistakes that my mom does because I'm trying to relate to, or show empathy for her, maybe.

I realize that when I am with Dustin, sometimes I say sorry to him for things that I am actually sorry to myself about----- like sorry for going too fast.. and he says he's not worried, so I must have been the one worrying about it (BECAUSE I WAS IN MY HEAD) lol  and then I am caught by myself apologizing to Dustin when I KNOW that I am actually apologizing to myself.

This is what makes me wonder if my own

I also wonder if I can relax and try to believe that all the things I was looking for are in my external life now... in Dustin, in the cats, in our house, etc.  But that is not true nor fair to my external world that my external world can make up for my lost love between my mom and I.  What a set up for projections and feeling like I am not receiving enough, or not giving enough, or if people are mad at me, or worrying about people's perceptions of me in general ...all common patterns that I had with my mom growing up.

I think a key to making myself happier is to understand and focus on my own intentions, because they are all that matter in this life.  Following my intentions is also important because if I don't know how to follow my intentions, then they

Akiva Tats' lectures also talk about our "root"  which ultimately means our god-given purpose, the one thing that you have no reason to do, but gives you absolute pleasure for no reason.  The key is giving that gift over to god so that your source of pleasure forms to the ultimate source and doesn't remain in vanity.  I don't even know what gives me ultimate pleasure yet, so I will have to see.  I think all people have a desire to help others, and that gives us pleasure, whether we admit to it or not.  The issue is seeing what kind of help to others is most pleasing to you.  Hard to say.


also, I got my period, hurray, I'm not pregnant.
and I passed through a full two week cycle of the orgasm shit. and I am not feeling terrible anymore hurray
and dustin and I had a huge talk two nights ago about my mom and how I become so intimidated by life because I don't want to engage with it.  I don't want to attribute value to things because I am so upset from the past that my mom and I are not close.  Every time I do something new, it also adds to the blur because I do not care to distinguish it as an important thing to remember.  I got so used to letting go of things as a way to not kill myself.  But I basically killed myself emotionally.